I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
