Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
