Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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