If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We need a shit load of segways right now
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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