u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
