Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
