He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
