i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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