She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
