fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
