This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
