We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
