I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
