yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
