is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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