Only a mothe r could love this liver
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
