I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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