I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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