im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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