so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
