Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
