Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
