Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize