I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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