Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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