she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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