That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
