I showed him my bush... on skype.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
