can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
