So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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