During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
