if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
