I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
