Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
