Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
