hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
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