I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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