she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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