I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
