I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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