Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
