someone threw a dead crab at me
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
