Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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