Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
