How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
