mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
