Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
