i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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