Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
