You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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