SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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