Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
