i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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