I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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