I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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