It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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