He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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