saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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