No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My balls are so social today.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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