First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
