Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
