I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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