i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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