while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
